Today is July 10th, 2012 and a year ago today I
was baptized.
I don’t want to mess this up. Seriously, cannot stress that
enough. I do not want to mess this post up.
The fact of the mater is a good percentage of people think
they know me. They think I’m still the same Lauren I was 3 years ago, 2 years
ago, 1 year. Hate to tell ya but I’m not. I am not the same person I was one
month ago. I, like most girls, am complicated and change frequently. To worry
what you all think of me is exhausting. Honestly, exhausting. This post has
weighed on me because I knew I needed to do it but at the same time I didn’t
know if I really wanted to for this sole reason . . .
One extremely large and brutal weakness of mine is that I
value others’ opinions on what they think of me. Now, I know everyone wants to
be liked but this is different.
This has always been a weakness or how I’ve viewed it recently, a
sickness of mine. I’ve always wanted to impress, to be loved, and to be shown
off. I have wanted to be valued highly by others and even viewed as a
necessity. An attitude of . . .
"You need me in your life because . . . I did this
for you or I can do this for you. I am an irreplaceable friend, girlfriend,
co-worker, daughter, niece, and roommate. You will be lost without me."
Selfish,
prideful, and just plain old ugly does not even cover it. Trying to be
everything to everyone is exhausting and also extremely prideful in thinking I
am THAT meaningful. Also, it’s exhausting trying to please everyone. What if
people think I’m a hypocrite because I follow Jesus now? Do they think its
copout? Do they think, “Oh, she is a Christian now of course she got a blog.”
“Ugh, she is going to be all religious now.” Seriously, these thoughts and
words have come through my head and it’s exhausting. EXHAUSTING. I’m never
going to be the Lauren you want me to be and I’ve learned that’s okay. I’m
going to be the Lauren that I want to be, and the Lauren I want to be is an out
of the closet, bible reading, church going, knee praying Christian. So let’s
talk about why and how I am where I am (The answer is Jesus but read anyway).
I have a friend. . . a dear, sweet, beautiful friend that I
love. We did not always get along though. We played nice in high school for the
most part, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized my hostility towards
her was because I just didn’t get her. Haters gonna hate and I was full time
hatin’. She frustrated me so easily with her bluntness, ridiculously cute
outfits, and her ability to get the attention of the entire room without even
putting any sort of effort into it. I couldn’t put my finger on it but
something beyond the external also frustrated me. I’ve known her for years but
from a distance so what was this thing? She was telling my friends and I a
story one night when it hit me. What I was going through in life she had
already been through. She survived. Survived is not the word I want to use but
I mean it’s the only one coming to my head right now. (Again, paranoid about
messing this up.) People still loved her for her. They didn’t question her.
They accepted the new version of her. I didn’t think that her story would
be an option for me. I was looking at the life she was currently living and
thought, “I’ll never feel that way. I’ll never be able to give over my life
like that. I like the way my life is now. I’m happy.” Pshhh. I thought I was
happy & fulfilled? I’m such a silly girl sometimes. See, the thing is she
was a Christian. She was giving life into others or maybe she always was and I
was just noticing for the first time. I never wanted to go out of my way to be
friends with this girl but now, two years later, we’re on the level of me
meeting her during my hour lunch break from work. My one-hour lunch turned into
two. Easily. I could have stayed there and talked to her all afternoon if that
was an option. I have realized, and it was reiterated to me during our lunch
that I could be like her.
I was going to church and felt moved every now and then but not
in a “come to Jesus” way for at least 6 or 8 months. I again had that feeling
of, “I could never be like her.”
“I’ll never be the Christian she is because I’m still holding onto sin that I
cannot give up.” “I will always be ‘Damaged Lauren.’ I will always be wrapped
up in myself, selfish, and that past of mine… whew . . . No one will ever be
able to forgive that.”
What did we have a sermon on shortly there after? Oh, that
would be about letting go of your past! God does that to me a lot. I have a feeling
about something, I show up, sit down, and boom!
“Oh, Heyyyy Lauren! How are you? I mean I know how you are
but umm… (fake cough)… So since I’m God and I love you and all we’re going to
work out that conviction you’re dealing with. Do you have tissues? Of course
you don’t. Okay, well you’re going to ugly cry, but it’ll be okay that manly
guy in front of you is going to cry too.”
I am not perfect and never will claim to be. I am seriously
fallen and flawed in so many ways. I am controlling, impatient, stubborn, and
have a bad case of road rage. I have a past that I thought I would never be
forgiven for but He did. Undeservingly so. I don’t deserve His grace or His
love. I didn’t think I could ever be a Christian. I knew I would fail at that
“lifestyle”, but over the year I’ve grown closer to Him by learning more about
Him. I am doing my best to be in
His word daily and to follow Him so that I may continue to grow. I will fall again. I’m 110% sure about
that, but God with a mighty hand will pick me up and dust me off and remind me
of the cross and what it means. I am forgiven. I am loved. I don’t have to do anything besides confess and repent, because I have claimed Jesus as my Savior. Jesus already paid the price for whatever sin I commit. He forgave my friend, He forgave me, and I’ve
learned to never say never. He’ll show you He can change anyone.
Wow! I know we haven't really talked since high school but this hits so close to home for me so I couldn't not say anything! It's an awesome feeling to finally let go and know nobody can fulfill you the way God can. You (and by 'you' I mean me) try hard to get people to fill that hole that can only truly be filled by God. It's like trying to stick a square peg into a round hole. A girl from my small group put it this way: we are always faced with having to choose between the steak or the potato chips. The steak, while it may take longer to prepare, is going to be much more fulfilling and satisfying. The potato chips, on the other hand, are a quick fix but they often times leave us feeling heavier than before and we are hungry 10 seconds after we finish off the bag.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I have completely gotten there yet, however, I know I am on my way and I can say wholeheartedly He is so worth any discomfort we may experience on the journey. He is ALWAYS offering a lending hand. We just have to remember to always reach back.
Thank you for sharing!
Hi Rachael,
DeleteI'm not completely there yet either. I don't want to come across that I am. There are still a lot of things I need to work on and figure out. There is discomfort ahead so just sucking it up and pushing through is my next step. I'm glad I could share and you could relate.
"I've learned to never say never."
ReplyDeleteI like that. Regardless of how you feel, God is faithful, you've seen that.
I keep learning about his faithfulness, and when something comes up, in my head or around me, I have to CONSCIOUS about taking it before him, instead of handling it myself.
In our weakness, he shows his strength.
Thank for you sharing your heart.
Lauren your honesty is breathtaking. We are flawed, we are damagaed, but God makes us beautiful. Jesus came to heal the sick, the broken, the damaged. Amazing that He is still the same today as he was then.
ReplyDeleteReally beautiful post, Lauren! God does what we cannot.
ReplyDeleteAmazing post! You are not alone!!!
ReplyDelete